God
God is the all-knowing, all-seeing creator of the universe and the one true God who holds the keys to heaven: a really rockin' place featuring a 24 hour all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and an endless supply of Budwieser beer. Heaven belongs to America because God is American. God and Jesus God is also the father of Jesus (Hubert) Christ and everything nice that happens is because of him. We know this because it says so in the Bible, which is completely true because Christians feel it in their guts. When he sired Jesus, God waited until Joseph was away on a business trip before knocking on Mary's hut dressed as a milkman. Mary was impressed by God's chisled abs, and they had sex in the "doggie-style" position since this is God's favorite (Matthew 35:13). Mary had four orgasms. God made her feel like a woman. They spooned and talked for hours. When Joseph returned, Mary covered up the affair by constantly bringing up the fact that she was a virgin at the dinner table. However, cued by her delayed menses, Mary took a home pregnancy test (which, back then, was nothing more than a primitive stick-like apparatus that changed color with pee) and found herself to be pregnant. She notified God, who totally wanted her to get an abortion (John 16:12). Mary advocated for the child, and God manufactured a coverup story that involved an immaculate conception, and that Jesus was sent to die for our sins. Things between God and Joseph have been awkward ever since. God and Politics God is synonomous with Stephen Colbert and George W. Bush. God elected Bush president and guided his mighty hand as he brought liberty and freedom to the goddless heathens in Iraq, who welcomed U.S. troops by throwing rose petals at their feet and welcoming them as liberators... not that you ever see anything good like that on liberal leftist networks like CNN. The Bible tells us that God watches Comedy Central Monday-Thursday. It's not clear if he watches at 8pm Pacific Time, or 11pm Eastern time. It is also a proven fact that God is a neo-conservative.. or a republican... whatever George W. Bush describes himself as being at any given time. This has been proven by many Bible verses. Whenever you feel like asking questions, such as "why is the sky blue" or "why did George W. Bush invade Iraq"? Just remember the only answer you need ever know: "because God wishes it." No other answer is required. God has appointed many representatives here on Earth, including Pat Robertson, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and Stephen Colbert. God hates Al Franken and all liberals. It says so in the Bible, somewhere in the back. God was born in America (Battle Creek, Michigan) and swaddled in the American flag. His mother and father were simple Americans who didn't question authority, preferring instead to just do as they were told and trust in their leaders. God kicks ass and takes names when he has to, like in Iraq... and soon in Iran... and maybe North Korea as well. According to the Bible, God loves everyone. But beware his wrath if you mention bears. Bears are not anyone, so they are not included in the set of "everyone." Neither are humans who mention bears; God has his own Never Existed list, just like Stephen does. There are many different views of God across the planet, but only the Christian interpretation is correct. All other views (Allah, Yahweh, Krishna, etc.) are false and need to be eradicated as soon as possible because they are at war with our God. Turn offs Unfortunately, there are many people who hate God and his message of love and hope. They actually have the audacity to deny his omnipotent power. These people turn God off and kill his buzz. Such people include: - The Clinton family (even Chelsea) - Al Franken - the gays - Neil Young - The Dixie Chicks - John Kerry - Barry Manilow - Bears (especially gay ones) God knows who all these people are and what they're doing. Just like his cousin, Santa Claus, he's making his list and checking it twice... so that all these people burn in hell. Turn ons * God gets his news from Fox, the only fair and balanced news organization in history. * Laura Bush. God is a happily married man, but if he wasn't... grrrrrrr, baby. * The American Flag: God salutes it every morning. * George W. Bush... in a totally manly way. Not in that Brokeback way. * Favorite book? The Bible for dummies. Factoids * God graduated summa cum laude with a degree in everything. * Runnerup for 'World's Sexiest Man' in People Magazine (he lost to Sean Connery). * Is hopelessly addicted to candy corn. * God can lay the smack down on anyone... even Chuck Norris. * Taught Superman how to fly. * Together with his son, Jesus, wins the 3 legged race every damn time. * God is infinitely old, but could pass for thirty. * God loves American Idol, but hates people who worship false idols. * Has a crush on Soledad O'Brien. * God is one of George W. Bush's closest advisors. * Is so powerful and loved, everyone calls out his name during sex. !"]] * Was named co-creator of the universe by George W. Bush in 2006. * Is a critically acclaimed and widely recognized master of kama sutra. * Has an annoying habit of calling everyone he meets "boss". External Sources *God's myspace blog created in a month after reading HTML for dummies